Nostalgia- and a piece of old writing….

I wrote this post ages ago, feeling it again. Enjoy. From 2013….

Fuubutshushi

Fuubutshushi is a Japanese term that means, “Things that remind you of a certain season/time of year/holiday etc”. So it’s all of the scents, sights, sounds and tastes that bring an event rushing to your mind…

Like cinnamon and Pine scents at Christmas, or the scent of frying Latkes at Hanukkah… Or the sight of turning leaves at the very end of summer, telling you that fall is approaching… the dry crisp air after a midwinter snow- you know the kind that is so cold that it makes your chest contract as you breathe it in…

Recently, for me, Fuubutshushi has meant something else… I’ve been going through all my baby things… We’re all done having babies, and after five of them, you would think that this would be easier, but deciding what to let go- what to keep for a baby clothes quilt or for a keepsake- is so hard…

Those tiny clothes make me remember little baby smiles and coo’s… the sweet soft scent of their little heads when they were very new. The feel of the small weight of a wee girl in your arms late at night when all is quiet, and you have the mental energy to notice those things… So many memories over 15 years of motherhood, so many babies, so many evenings pacing the floor, nursing, changing tiny diapers… 

The wonderful intimacy of being in labor with your partner supporting you- waiting for a small someone who will then keep you up all night, worry you, scare you, fill your life with joy and wonderment… Who will break your heart and fill it up at the same time…

Sitting on the floor sorting it is a sort of sweet torture, a joyful mourning… A pain so bright and sharp it’s like a knife edge… And the wound it leaves, just like a sharp knife, hurts but heals neatly in the end, leaving you whole but with a fine scar to remember…

My children are growing up. I am working myself out of the best job I have ever had… Which is of course the goal in raising good kids- the goal that at some point, they don’t need you as a parent so much.

I decided to keep a small selection of little baby boy and little baby girl outfits, blankies and toys, I need Fuubutshushi for later on, when they are grown and I want to remember.